The Dark Side

Today I have a very special blog for you fine folks.  My girlfriend, Angel, has decided to highjack my blog with a little personal piece she wrote between yesterday and today, entitled "The Dark Side".  I can't help but notice the (intentional?) use of a Star Wars reference in that title.  She really poured her heart into this one and it would be nice for her to get some feedback from you kooky kids.    Now, keep in mind, this is all her.  She wrote this from start to finish.  I did very little to polish it up for it's finished form.  I am very proud of her for doing this and for the bravery it took to actually let me post it in my blog for the world to see.  So, please, read on and enjoy:

The Dark Side

Everyone has a boogeyman.  The little voice in your head that makes you doubt yourself, constantly telling you that you’re no good at anything you do.  Well, you haven’t seen one like this until you have met mine. What you read may be disturbing to you.  You’re about to enter my world.  The way things are seen through my eyes. Crazy as it may seem to you, keep in mind a lot of this I don't have control over.  I'm still working on things.  I have a lot of major damage that was done to me, some of which I’ve never talked about before.  It's very hard for me to ask for help.  I mean, how do you ask for help by explaining that your self-conscience is telling you to do things to yourself?  That’s impossible without the other person thinking you’re insane and that you belong in a hospital.

Everyone that knows me knows I have serious self-confidence issues.  Most of it started when I was younger.  When I was in eighth grade there were two girls that wanted to kick my ass.  They used to call me a slut and a whore all the time.  They were always saying it in front of tons of people.  They were the popular girls in school so naturally I thought everyone was going to believe them.  This destroyed me.  As someone that was quiet and kept to myself, I never understood why they were doing this to me.  I had never had sex, so what they were saying wasn’t true.  I now know that it was because I wore skirts to school all the time.  Later, during my senior year in high school, my self-confidence suffered another heavy blow; my boyfriend cheated on me with my best friend.  All I can say is that this left me alone, devastated, with no one to talk to.  I had just lost my boyfriend and best friend, all in one shot.  I don't recommend anyone letting their life revolve around just your best friend and your boyfriend.

When I was married I would sit and wonder, “I know you love me, but I don't understand why you hurt me by putting me down and making comments that make me look stupid.”  Then I’d think, “Well he loves me and we have been together for 10 years so it must be true.  Why else would he say things like that?”  It has happened to me again since then.  I think, “Well Ed (my ex-husband) has said that to me, too.  It must be true if he is saying the same thing.”  People at work have talked to me like I was stupid.  It’s funny how, when they can’t figure something out, they come and ask me for help.  So I must not be that stupid.

I know I have a dark side to myself that I like to go to.  I like to be alone, sitting in a dark room with no light.  Just complete darkness.  Sitting there with my pillow and some music playing.  As I lay there, I look back on everything that I have done wrong in my life. What can I do with my life?  I need to do something with my life.  Make something of myself. Do something so someone can look at me and be proud of me and the things I've done.  Not where everything in my life is a big screw up.  

I still have a lot of times where the bad side comes out.  My conscience still talks to me.  Every so often it tries to send me back to that place where I do bad things to myself.  It tells me that I'm a bad person.  That I don't deserve what I have.  That I'm just going to ruin Mike's life just like I did to Ed's.  I start to believe everything that it is telling me.  I don't know how to get it to stop. 

I was at the point where my answer was to overdose.  There was no way that I could fix any of it.  In my eyes I screwed up three people's lives.  I have two boys that were going to hate me because I broke up their family.  All because I felt like I didn't exist anymore.  One thing I swore would not happen to me was I would never be divorced.  I wouldn't let that happen to my kids.  I would never let them go through that.  Look where I am now.  I had to be a disappointment to my parents because of what I did.  How could I even show my face to anyone?  Everyone would be better off if I was gone.  I had it all planned out. 

Then I met Mike.  I didn’t really just meet Mike.  I have known him for at least 5 years.  I always felt some kind of weird connection with him.  I couldn't explain it.  When I decided to go off all my medication cold turkey, he stuck by me.  He told me that I didn't sound like I was in a good place.  One weekend, my family went away for a few days.  Mike said he didn't think it was safe for me to be home alone and convinced me to stay with him so that nothing would happen to me.  When I was going to get sick (from quitting my medications) he sat with me on the floor in the bathroom.  That meant so much to me, that someone would take the time to do that for me.  I don't know why he would do that for me or what his reason was for it.  


He had to have felt something.  He made it clear he didn’t want a relationship so I was ready to give up and go through with my self-destructive plans.  Except for one thing; he had told me that he loved me.  Something told me that no matter how he acts or treats me to continue to stick with it.  I've never really truly fought for something that I believed in.  I'm not one that believes in soulmates, that there is someone out there that you're really meant to be with.  Nonetheless, there was something there.  Something I have never felt before.  I knew that he had been hurt several times before.  I knew that he was just afraid of being attached to anyone because the pain that comes after.  I know all about disappointments.  I think that is why, for some reason, there was always some weird connection with us.  We have had a lot of the hurt and disappointments in past relationships.  I stuck with him, and eventually he come around. 

We do have a lot of fights and I get scared that I'm just screwing up everything I’ve gained.  This time I wouldn’t just be destroying me but it would destroy my boys as well.  They both have become very attached to him.  He has been the back up and the structure that both the boys and I have needed.  It has been very hard on him to have to adjust his life around his newfound family.  Going from being alone and having it quiet all the time, to having 2 boys in the house.  I can see his frustration. 

I have finally met someone that understands me and the things I’ve gone through.  He may not understand everything but he tries to understand the things that he doesn't.  I haven't figured out how he knows some of the things he does.  Most of the time he can figure me out without any problem at all.  It amazes me sometimes.  He knows when something is wrong before I even know.  How is that possible?

   
I know that at times he gets extremely frustrated with me.  I know it has to be very hard on him, dealing with someone in my extreme condition.  Making sure that I am taking my medication.  Making sure that it is being taken correctly.  Watching over me to make sure that I don't slip into the bad place that I was in once before.  I have nothing but appreciation for everything that Mike has done for me.  I'm sure it has put my parents more at ease, knowing that there is someone out there who loves their daughter enough to watch over her like she needs.  Someone that may not understand everything that I'm going though but sure as hell tries with all his heart to understand me.  

Now I'm in a better situation.  I found someone that I know loves me and my boys enough to invest so much of his time into making sure I'm taken care of.  He makes sure he is there to talk to me so I don't go over the edge.  I'm a much better person than I was, which is better for the two people who need me the most.  I'm lucky to still be alive today.  I hope that maybe I can give inspiration to someone else who is dealing with their own dark side.  


No one realizes how much you’re worth to them until you’re not around.  Yet sometimes I still wonder if I'm doing something wrong because more than one person has treated me that way.  I know that none of them know exactly what that does to me or how deeply it has scarred me.  All it does is feed the boogeyman, or the dark side of me.  Do I really come across as some stupid human being that is a waste of everyone's time?  Do I really deserve the negative things that people say and do to me?  Like I said in the beginning, I'm still working on things.  I know on this subject I should live by this quote: "So long as you are still worried about what others think of you, you are owned by them." -Neale Donald Walsch

No*Con

Last weekend Angel and I headed to Maryland for a much-needed weekend of friends and booze (otherwise known as No*Con).  We had an amazing time with friends both old and new.  There are too many people who made me laugh and/or gave me invaluable writing advice to name them all but, suffice to say, it was like taking a crash course in creative writing.  I was surrounded by people representing the full spectrum of published authors.  From the war-weary vets to the grunts fresh out of boot camp.  All of them had wisdom to impart on the subject of writing and the publishing industry.

But that's not the only thing gained from this past weekend.  I made quite a few new friends, many of whom I had at least talked to online at some point.  It was nice to finally meet them in person and make the connection from cyberspace to a real flesh-and-blood individual.  Some of them were not how I envisioned them in my head from communicating with them on Twitter or Facebook.  Which, I guess, is to be expected.  I also got to see old friends.  Old friends who I don't get to see nearly enough.  It sucks living so far from them all.  I wish I could spend way more time with them because they have a way of bringing out the best in me.

I could go on and on with funny stories and inside jokes that occurred at a rapid fire pace all weekend long.  I could do that.  Yet, I won't.  Those memories are for those who were there with me.  It's like a secret code between us when we make a reference to something from that weekend to one another.  It helps to keep a sacred bond between those of us who participated.

As an added bonus, we visited Edgar Allan Poe's grave.  This was an unexpected side trip that was revealed while we were all eating lunch at the Ale Wife in Baltimore.  It was weird seeing an old cemetery nestled between office buildings and the like.  It was definitely a cool experience because, as most of you know, I adore Poe.  There were also tombs.  Tombs, I say!  That was way cool.  I've never seen a tomb close up before and it was interesting.

My only regret is that I didn't read my flash fiction piece on Saturday night when everyone gathered to read their work.  I could have.  I SHOULD have.  But I didn't.  I wish I had so that I could get feedback from my friends and peers.  I mean, the story already got accepted to a publication and will be coming out sometime by the end of this year so it must not totally suck.  That's not to say that it's particularly good.  A handful of people have read it and said that it was good.  Not all of them were friends either so I would hope that their assessment would be less biased because they don't know me personally.  Oh well, there's always next time.  Hopefully by then I'll have a few more complete stories to choose from.

I want to thank everyone who was there for No*Con.  It is great to be a part of something so fun and meaningful.  You guys rock!  I love you all.

Horror Scope

Having just finished reading horror author Brian Keene's keynote speech he gave at Anthocon last weekend (which can be read here: http://www.briankeene.com/?p=9691), I am now inspired to trace my own personal journey through horror. Perhaps some of you have shared a similar journey. Perhaps not. But this is MY horror roots as I remember it. Of course, my memory is shit so I'm sure I'll leave out significant parts.

I guess I should start with how the love of horror was instilled in me to begin with. It can all be traced back to my mother. When I was at a very young, impressionable age she allowed me to watch movies such as Halloween, Poltergeist, Children Of The Corn, Jaws, et cetera on TV. Now, keep in mind this was in the '80s and we had, I think, about 3 television stations to choose from. We didn't get cable until my senior year of high school. So of course she let me watch them because they were edited for broadcast television. No nudity, no naughty language, minimum violence and gore. It was also around this time that she told me how she saw the original Texas Chainsaw Massacre in the theater. Basically she said it was scary as shit and vile. Well now, I just HAD to see the film after that little chat. So one day it came on tv. I was FLOORED. I sat in awe and watched it from beginning to end. It is still my favorite horror film to this day. Yes, there are horror films which have been made since that are better and much creepier but it will always hold a special place in my heart.

Now, another area my mom really influenced me in is reading. She was always a voracious reader and she instilled that trait in me by always encouraging me to read. She wasn't really a horror fiction reader. But since I already had a love of horror films it was a natural progression for me to gravitate toward the genre. One day, while at the local mall, we paid a visit to the book store and I went to the horror section intent on picking something fun to read. Well friends, the book I chose was none other than Robert R. McCammon's STINGER. That's all it took. I devoured that damn book. From that moment on I was off and running. I started blowing through Stephen King and Dean Koontz. Coincidently, the following Christmas my cousin bought me Robert R. McCammon's SWAN SONG. As some of you may know, this is still, to this day, my all-time favorite novel. I try to read it once a year. I used to commonly refer to it as my "bible". Needless to say, I raced through McCammon's catalog as well. A little later I discovered Poe and fell in love. And Ray Bradbury. Then...H.P. Lovecraft. That totally changed the game for me. And yes, I have read Robert Bloch. Yay for me!

These were the authors who took up the majority of my teenage years. Then, in my 20s, I discovered Richard Laymon. Because I purchased a few of his books from Amazon.com, that ever so clever website recommended a little book called THE RISING by none other than Brian Keene. I read that and it's sequel CITY OF THE DEAD. By the way, unlike most people, I was quite satisfied with the ending to THE RISING. Though I hear Keene loves when people ask him about said ending. Seriously, ask him. Repeatedly. To this day THE CONQUEROR WORMS is my favorite of his novels. Obviously for the Lovecraftian feel of it.

Through the wonders of the internet I was able to keep up with what Keene had going on and had the opportunity to meet him in person at one of his signings. It was a blast. That was also the first time I met Mike "Reel Splatter" Lombardo and Matt "Monrozombi" Blazi. At the second signing of his, I got a hotel room and got to hang at the bar with the above mentioned folks. This is also the first time I met Jeff "Bamfer" Heimbuch and the seeds for Drunken Tentacle Productions were planted.

Because of Keene I was introduced to many other authors: Edward Lee, J.F. Gonzalez, Wrath James White, Joe Lansdale, Bryan Smith, Ray Garton, Jack Ketchum John Skipp, and so many more. Hanging out in Brian's old office one day I became intrigued by a section of books on his bookshelf by a man named Carlton Mellick III. This was my introduction to Bizarro Fiction (I won't go into any more detail on this. See my blog entitled "Carlton Mellick III" for more info). Bizarro typically incorporates horrific elements.

These are just the high points of my career as a horror fan. There have been many other authors sprinkled in there through the years. I'm sure I left out a few that were influential to me. I'm still discovering authors, new and old. My tastes are ever expanding. Oh, and I still have an immense love of horror films. I am not nearly as critical or jaded as a lot of horror fans have become. There are some who were once die-hard horror fans who think that every new film that comes out is trash. I don't belong in that camp. There are many very good horror films still being made. Just as there are many great horror books being written.

Feel free to post some authors or films that you feel I may have never heard of or just omitted. It will help me out. Who knows, maybe you'll be responsible for me discovering my next new favorite author...

Lost Thoughts (aka The Lost Blog)

As some of you know, I'm notorious for not watching television. Oh, I watch movies constantly and I'll watch tv shows on dvd or Netflix. But as for keeping up with a show on a weekly basis? Hell no! I don't have the patience or the discipline to follow through with such a painstaking endeavor.

As some of you may also know, on May 23rd 2010 I went on a very special tirade about one particular show. The show in question is one that I absolutely refused to watch or take any interest in. When I heard how the series ended I mocked fans and friends alike for spending six years of their lives on a show that ended on a very trite, cliche note. Simply because, as many people who know me can testify, I sometimes rebel against things that are oppressively popular. As an example, you would be hard-pressed to find people who don't love the movie Forrest Gump. Meet the exception to that rule. From the moment I saw that film I despised it. But this blog isn't about Forrest Gump and I'm unwilling to waste any more of my time on that subject.

This blog is about the ABC Television series Lost.

Me being me, curiosity finally got the better of me. So over the past several months I watched the show in its entirety (it is available to stream from Netflix Instant Watch). I have to say, the first 2 seasons had me completely and utterly HOOKED. I won't go into plot details but I'm sure most of you know the gist; (a) plane crashes on mysterious island, (b) survivors desperately try to find a way off the island, (c) lots of weird shit happens. Seasons 3 and 4 were very good but not as stellar as the first two seasons. By season 5 my interest was starting to flag and by season six I just wanted to get the show over with and move on.

Don't get me wrong, it was still good. But the things I loved about the show in the beginning were missing. Lost had strayed so far from the things that originally hooked me and held my interest. It veered in such random ways. Obviously the writers were scrambling to stretch out the story line to keep filling up seasons worth of material. Personally I think the show should have been more concise and been maybe 3 seasons long. It would have been a much stronger show.

As for the ending? Did I hate it? No. Did I love it? No. It didn't end quite the same way people had explained it to me when it originally aired. It was definitely a better ending than that. It just seemed too...abrupt. After six VERY LONG seasons I was hoping for something more.

Overall, it was an enjoyable show. Does it deserve to be held in such high regard by legions of obsessive fans? No. Will I ever watch it again? Most likely not. I will say this though. After watching the finale last night, I awoke several times during the night and thought about it. That's something, I suppose. A show that resonates after the viewer has finished with it. That's the makings of good storytelling.

Babbling Bitch Session

I've been in my new home for about six months now. There have been a lot of changes in my life over that time period. I've had to learn how to clean, cook (still terribly unsuccessful at this one), micro-manage my money, etc. I've already been through one hellish roommate (I won't go into the sordid details of this fiasco since anyone who follows me on Twitter can see for themselves). Now I've got a potential second roommate lined up. I'm hoping she'll be better than the first one. If I were to play the odds, she most certainly has to be better than my previous one.

All of these changes, and others of a much more subtle nature. All of these changes...and yet, nothing feels different. I still feel as if I'm stuck in a rut. A dead-end job full of back-breaking manual labor that I will have to maintain until the day I literally drop dead, no real relationship prospects (that subject should be a whole blog unto itself), basically an almost completely sedentary life full of lonely nights in front of the television or computer.

I rarely go out. I work weekends when most others are out celebrating. My single day off is typically in the middle of the week. So, technically I could go out then but it would be by myself, as all my friends are in the midst of their normal work week.

And, speaking of friends, almost all of them live quite a distance away. So in order to visit them it requires planning ahead. I can't just visit them on a whim. The reverse is also true. This harkens back to my random work schedule. It's extremely hard to make plans ahead of time because I rarely know what my work schedule is going to be on a week to week basis.

Reading back through this blog, it seems as though my main problem, the thing holding me back from having an active social life, is my job. But I like my job. It's decent money. I like the people I work with (for the most part). I have medical benefits which is really important and something I'd like to hold onto.

And there you have it. My conundrum. The vicious cycle of my life. I'm done bitching. For now...

Carlton Mellick III

Today, kids, we're going to talk about the author who has changed my whole way of thinking in terms of how to write a story.

Carlton Mellick III is at the forefront of the Bizarro Fiction movement. For years he has written stories of the weird and, in my humble opinion, he continues to improve and mature as an author. I've devoured every single one of his books over the course of little more than a year. I have yet to find one that I didn't zip right through at breakneck speed. Many of them I've already revisited because they're just that goddamned good.

Let's pause for a minute so that I may explain exactly what Bizarro Fiction is.

Bizarro is "equivalent to the cult section at the video store". It is weirdness of plot as opposed to experimental fiction which is weirdness of style. Many Bizarro tales are written in a very simplistic style but the characters and situations are very weird. One can pick up on influences from filmmakers such as David Lynch and David Cronenberg. Bizarro Fiction often takes typical characters or situations and adds many absurd (often hilarious) elements to make it weird and original.

Mr. Mellick is also a very kind, approachable fellow. Through Twitter, Facebook, and Brian Keene's Forum, I've talked to him. If only to tell him I've read and enjoyed his latest releases. He's always gracious and humble when responding to my praise. I've also talked with fellow Bizarro authors Jeremy C. Shipp (who has recommended so many great movies) and Jordan Krall (who shares my love of H.P. Lovecraft and Spaghetti Westerns). All great guys.

I can't thank author and friend Brian Keene enough for introducing me to Mellick and Bizarro Fiction. Reading Bizarro has totally changed my personal taste in literature. I've found a nice little niche where I feel I belong. As if the stories were written for me.

Here's a list of books/novellas by Carlton Mellick III:

Satan Burger

Electric Jesus Corpse

Sunset With A Beard (Collection)

Razor Wire Pubic Hair

Teeth And Tongue Landscape

The Steel Breakfast Era

The Baby Jesus Butt Plug

Fishy-Fleshed

The Menstruating Mall

Ocean Of Lard (with Kevin L. Donihe)

Punk Land

Sex And Death In Television Town

Sea Of The Patchwork Cats

The Haunted Vagina

Cancer-Cute (Avant Punk Army Exclusive Collection)

War Slut

Sausagey Santa

Ugly Heaven, Beautiful Hell (with Jeffrey Thomas)

Adolf In Wonderland

Ultra Fuckers

Cybernetrix

The Egg Man

Apeshit

The Faggiest Vampire

The Cannibals Of Candyland

Warrior Wolf Women Of The Wasteland

The Kobold Wizard's Dildo Of Enlightenment +2

Zombies And Shit

Crab Town

The Morbidly Obese Ninja

Fantastic Orgy

Barbarian Beast Bitches Of The Badlands

I Knocked Up Satan's Daughter

Other notable Bizarro authors (in no particular order):

Gina Rinalli

Andre Duza

Jeremy C. Shipp

Jeff Burk

Jordan Krall

Cameron Pierce

Adam Pepper

Kevin L. Donihe

Anderson Prunty

John Edward Lawson

D. Harlan Wilson

Mykle Hansen

Andrew Goldfarb

Garrett Cook

I can't stress enough; if you're looking for something different, pick up some Carlton Mellick III books. If you like it, pick up some more. By this point you should be hooked. Then you can delve into some of these other fantastic authors I've listed above.

Uwe Boll-Cinematic Abortionist

Well, what can I say about Uwe Boll that hasn't already been said? He's a hack director of the highest (or lowest) caliber. An arrogant, self-involved ball of fury. His films, each and every one, are a grisly trainwreck not fit to be gazed upon by mortal eyes.

Oh wait, I guess I should backtrack a little bit and give you examples of some of Boll's films. Purely for those uninitiated. He's the master director/producer behind such masterworks of cinema as House Of The Dead, Alone In The Dark, Bloodrayne, Postal, In The Name Of The King: A Dungeon Siege Tale, among others. The majority of his fare is based on video games. Of course, he pays no attention to the actual plot of the video games themselves and instead veers way off course to create his own "vision".

He's been called the modern-day Ed Wood (director of Plan 9 From Outer Space--which is widely considered the WORST film of all time) by many. I, for one, think this assessment is accurate. His films are a jumbled mess. Sloppily filmed and edited. And the acting...oh boy, I won't even get into that.

I was watching House Of The Dead the other night on FEARnet and it is a godawful film. But, having seen several of his other films, "House" is his greatest achievement. When placed next to his other films it is a masterpiece. But that still doesn't mean it is good by any means. Why, oh why, are there snippets of the ACTUAL VIDEO GAME intercut between scenes? I know he was intentionally going for over-the-top fun but he failed miserably.

Not only are his films bad, but he's also got an uber-cocky attitude. He has called Michael Bay and Eli Roth "fucking retards". He also claimed that his film Postal (also based on a video game) would beat Indiana Jones And The Crystal Skull at the box office. I kid you not, as I just typed that I couldn't help but laugh out loud. What a ridiculous statement.

If this isn't enough, Boll is a boxer. In 2006 he challenged critics to "put up or shut up". Then he held an actual boxing event entitled "Raging Boll". Invited to challenge him were Quentin Tarantino and Roger Avery, among many others. Now granted, out of the five boxing matches that were actually held, Boll did win all of them.

Maybe he should have persued a boxing career instead of film...