Carlton Mellick III

Today, kids, we're going to talk about the author who has changed my whole way of thinking in terms of how to write a story.

Carlton Mellick III is at the forefront of the Bizarro Fiction movement. For years he has written stories of the weird and, in my humble opinion, he continues to improve and mature as an author. I've devoured every single one of his books over the course of little more than a year. I have yet to find one that I didn't zip right through at breakneck speed. Many of them I've already revisited because they're just that goddamned good.

Let's pause for a minute so that I may explain exactly what Bizarro Fiction is.

Bizarro is "equivalent to the cult section at the video store". It is weirdness of plot as opposed to experimental fiction which is weirdness of style. Many Bizarro tales are written in a very simplistic style but the characters and situations are very weird. One can pick up on influences from filmmakers such as David Lynch and David Cronenberg. Bizarro Fiction often takes typical characters or situations and adds many absurd (often hilarious) elements to make it weird and original.

Mr. Mellick is also a very kind, approachable fellow. Through Twitter, Facebook, and Brian Keene's Forum, I've talked to him. If only to tell him I've read and enjoyed his latest releases. He's always gracious and humble when responding to my praise. I've also talked with fellow Bizarro authors Jeremy C. Shipp (who has recommended so many great movies) and Jordan Krall (who shares my love of H.P. Lovecraft and Spaghetti Westerns). All great guys.

I can't thank author and friend Brian Keene enough for introducing me to Mellick and Bizarro Fiction. Reading Bizarro has totally changed my personal taste in literature. I've found a nice little niche where I feel I belong. As if the stories were written for me.

Here's a list of books/novellas by Carlton Mellick III:

Satan Burger

Electric Jesus Corpse

Sunset With A Beard (Collection)

Razor Wire Pubic Hair

Teeth And Tongue Landscape

The Steel Breakfast Era

The Baby Jesus Butt Plug

Fishy-Fleshed

The Menstruating Mall

Ocean Of Lard (with Kevin L. Donihe)

Punk Land

Sex And Death In Television Town

Sea Of The Patchwork Cats

The Haunted Vagina

Cancer-Cute (Avant Punk Army Exclusive Collection)

War Slut

Sausagey Santa

Ugly Heaven, Beautiful Hell (with Jeffrey Thomas)

Adolf In Wonderland

Ultra Fuckers

Cybernetrix

The Egg Man

Apeshit

The Faggiest Vampire

The Cannibals Of Candyland

Warrior Wolf Women Of The Wasteland

The Kobold Wizard's Dildo Of Enlightenment +2

Zombies And Shit

Crab Town

The Morbidly Obese Ninja

Fantastic Orgy

Barbarian Beast Bitches Of The Badlands

I Knocked Up Satan's Daughter

Other notable Bizarro authors (in no particular order):

Gina Rinalli

Andre Duza

Jeremy C. Shipp

Jeff Burk

Jordan Krall

Cameron Pierce

Adam Pepper

Kevin L. Donihe

Anderson Prunty

John Edward Lawson

D. Harlan Wilson

Mykle Hansen

Andrew Goldfarb

Garrett Cook

I can't stress enough; if you're looking for something different, pick up some Carlton Mellick III books. If you like it, pick up some more. By this point you should be hooked. Then you can delve into some of these other fantastic authors I've listed above.

Uwe Boll-Cinematic Abortionist

Well, what can I say about Uwe Boll that hasn't already been said? He's a hack director of the highest (or lowest) caliber. An arrogant, self-involved ball of fury. His films, each and every one, are a grisly trainwreck not fit to be gazed upon by mortal eyes.

Oh wait, I guess I should backtrack a little bit and give you examples of some of Boll's films. Purely for those uninitiated. He's the master director/producer behind such masterworks of cinema as House Of The Dead, Alone In The Dark, Bloodrayne, Postal, In The Name Of The King: A Dungeon Siege Tale, among others. The majority of his fare is based on video games. Of course, he pays no attention to the actual plot of the video games themselves and instead veers way off course to create his own "vision".

He's been called the modern-day Ed Wood (director of Plan 9 From Outer Space--which is widely considered the WORST film of all time) by many. I, for one, think this assessment is accurate. His films are a jumbled mess. Sloppily filmed and edited. And the acting...oh boy, I won't even get into that.

I was watching House Of The Dead the other night on FEARnet and it is a godawful film. But, having seen several of his other films, "House" is his greatest achievement. When placed next to his other films it is a masterpiece. But that still doesn't mean it is good by any means. Why, oh why, are there snippets of the ACTUAL VIDEO GAME intercut between scenes? I know he was intentionally going for over-the-top fun but he failed miserably.

Not only are his films bad, but he's also got an uber-cocky attitude. He has called Michael Bay and Eli Roth "fucking retards". He also claimed that his film Postal (also based on a video game) would beat Indiana Jones And The Crystal Skull at the box office. I kid you not, as I just typed that I couldn't help but laugh out loud. What a ridiculous statement.

If this isn't enough, Boll is a boxer. In 2006 he challenged critics to "put up or shut up". Then he held an actual boxing event entitled "Raging Boll". Invited to challenge him were Quentin Tarantino and Roger Avery, among many others. Now granted, out of the five boxing matches that were actually held, Boll did win all of them.

Maybe he should have persued a boxing career instead of film...

It's Curtains For You!

After a long day at work I had planned to come home and relax by immersing myself in the world of online gaming via XBOX LIVE. Not long before I was due to clock out, my mother called and reminded me that we had tentatively planned to go curtain shopping for my new digs. Okay, so video games are out. An afternoon of fighting mobs of rowdy teens, slow moving old people (zombies), and rent-a-cops who think they're the real deal because they have walkie-talkies was in.

Of course, my mom also failed to mention that she had to stop at Costco first. Now, I'm all for cheap bargains but that place is full to the brim with the lowest walks of life. I don't know which is worse; Costco or WalMart. At least WalMart isn't usually packed so tight with customers that you can barely move.

Once finished at Costco, we headed for the Christiana Mall in the adjacent parking lot. As we drove toward the sprawling consumer metropolis, I said to my mom, "You know you're taking me straight into the lion's den right?" There is a brand-spanking new Barnes & Noble inside the mall that has the ability to draw me in like gnats to a light bulb. To avert this, we went directly in the J.C. Penney entrance. After spending some time browsing through the plethora of curtains contained therein, I found some I liked and we went about making the purchase. Of course, they didn't have one of the colors I wanted so I had to order them. They won't be in for 2-4 weeks.

That done, we proceeded into the main part of the mall so I could look for a hat. I found an awesome Transformers hat at F.Y.E. of all places. Stinking Hot Topic only had crappy hats. I remember when they used to be cool. Sad that those days are long gone.

At this point we were both hungry so we paid a visit to the food court. While we were eating my mom kept pointing out females to me. One in particular was obviously in the advanced stages of pregnancy. Though I will admit that she was a very attractive young lady, I can't say I'm ready to jump into a relationship with someone in that predicament.

Somehow, I managed to convince her to let me go to Barnes & Noble. While there I was disappointed by their serious lack of horror fiction. Not to mention the fact that it's all lumped into the "Fiction & Literature" section. Making it harder to find the books I'm looking for. I did manage to pick up Triage (Jack Ketchum, Richard Laymon, Edward Lee) and Dweller (Jeff Strand). When I'd finished making my purchases, my mother said, "She was flirting with you." She, of course, was referring to the young lady who completed my transaction. I, who some of you already know, am completely oblivious to girls flirting techniques. So I cannot comment or speculate on whether or not she was indeed flirting with me.

So instead of coming home to relax after work I got to spend the afternoon being auctioned off like a pig at the fair by my mom. Sadly, no one was buying.

Don't Call It A Comeback...

Well, it's been far too long since I've last blogged. Don't really have any excuse other than I'm lazy and tend to lose focus easily. So, in an effort to "step my game up" as the young kids say, I've come up with a plan to help me blog on a more frequent basis.

The plan is this: I will post AT LEAST one blog per week from now on. For every blog I post, I will reward myself with one blu ray, cd, or book. No blog, no reward. This will also help me to cut down on my spending on the above-mentioned items. One item per blog. As opposed to the amount that I typically buy which is a much more extravagant number.

This blog does not count toward my new plan. I feel that that would be a cheat to do so since this entry is merely explaining my intentions. So I'm going to give it a shot. Hopefully the rewards I've set for myself will be sufficient to entice me to post on a much more regular basis.

There will be another blog later today in which I explain my shopping excursion with my mother today. Until then, in the immortal words of Corp. Dwayne Hicks (Michael Biehn in ALIENS), "Stay frosty."

Sexame Street

Okay, I have no mind-blowing things to say today. So I leave you with this:

Unnecessary Censorship: Sesame Street - watch more funny videos

Jesus Police

Those who know me are well aware of my all-consuming, burning hatred for organized religion. This does not mean that I am an Atheist. I would consider myself to be Agnostic. I do believe that we're more than just a cosmic fluke. I just think that no one religion is right in their belief system. How could anyone possibly know for sure. Until one is proven, without any doubt to be 100% correct, I will continue to doubt. Religious organizations creep me right the fuck out. Seriously. I have never associated myself with any particular religion. Nor will I ever do so. To me it's just silly. I get so pissed when religious "recruiters" approach me trying to force their personal belief system upon me. I used to collect those CRAZY little pamphlets those nutjobs hand out on the street. I would flip through them and just shake my head and laugh. But sometimes, just sometimes, I would be genuinely frightened by their utterly insane beliefs. And I don't say this lightly. I would see certain propaganda that filled me with a sense of doom for the human race. Scary, scary shit. I wish I still had them but, alas, I threw them out a few years ago.

A friend recently told me a story about his girlfriend that I'd like to share with you all. This is a nice little example of the fear-mongering these religious groups utilize to oppress their followers.

This particular friend's girlfriend is a practicing Catholic. Now, if you know anything about religion, it is currently Lent, which runs from Ash Wednesday to Easter. The season of no meat on Fridays (except fish and/or poultry depending on how lax a person's church is). Are you starting to notice the inconsistencies and hypocracy of the various religions? It is also the season of sacrificing something you enjoy. For example: meat, beer, cigarettes, etc. Now, in this girl's case, she gave up chocolate for Lent. Okay, that's not crazy. Seems doable. A small, acceptable token of one's belief in their particular deity of choice. Hang with me folks, I'm getting to the point.

So this girl stops to get a sandwich and coffee while driving to a relative's house. However, she doesn't get just any coffee. Oh no, she gets CHOCOLATE coffee. Astute readers will recall that she has given up this guilty pleasure for Lent. She gets back in her vehicle and heads out on the road. Before long, she notices a cop following her, lights flashing. The cop gives her a warning for doing 36mph in a 25mph zone. A warning. No citation. She immediately texts her boyfriend with, "God is punishing me." He calls her back and she tells him the story. She was convinced that God was mad at her for having chocolate after she'd given it up for Lent. So He apparently sent her a warning. I guess next time she'll (gasp!) get a speeding ticket. Just seems so silly to me. Why should anyone be afraid to eat chocolate?

The previous example is just a small sample of the many rules and regulations religions use to...well, I don't really know why they do it. I don't think they know either. I guess it's just to maintain control over their subjects. I know a few other guys who utilized this technique. Do the names Charles Manson, David Koresh, and Jim Jones ring a bell? Granted these are extreme cases but they still held sway over their believers and controlled them without question. Sounds awfully similar to what ALL religions do.

I'm a firm believer in freedom of religion. If it works for you, fine. If it brings you peace and stability in an otherwise chaotic world, more power to you. Just keep it away from me. I don't try to convince people that my beliefs (or lack thereof) are the right path. I may discuss it with them but 9 times out of 10 the religious types will get all pissy and judgmental. So apparently I'm a heathen. I'm a sinner. I'm an infidel. Satan has a nice hot seat waiting for me in Hell. Well folks, I'll believe it when I see it.

Late Night Musings

The title of this particular blog is "Late Night Musings". Currently the time is 9:45pm on a Friday night. Some would say the night is young. For most folks, this would be a true statement. I, however, have to work early Saturday morning. Such is the nature of my current employment. Working in retail, no matter what branch, is tough on the ol' social life.

I can't really complain too much though. My job allows me to pay my newly acquired mortgage and puts food on the table (mostly of the microwaved variety unless my roommate cooks...or my mother sends me some leftovers). And I'm also able to purchase the occasional movie, book, cd, etc. to keep myself entertained.

However, my job doesn't leave much time for social interaction due to the sporadic, random work schedule I'm forced to endure. Because of this, here I sit on a Friday night blogging, Facebook and Twitter being my only means of socializing. So when I do have opportunities to interact with actual live human beings (and not the virtual kind) I cherish those times. Many times I come across as not enjoying myself. But I'm generally a quiet individual unless I know the people who I find myself surrounded by. Or unless copious amounts of alcohol are involved, in which case "Social Mike" makes his appearance.

I spend most of my free time alone, watching movies. Which is fine with me most of the time. But I do get lonely on occasion. I've been in my new home for just over two months now and, to date, only two of my friends have paid me a visit. Granted my birthday/housewarming party was cancelled due to two feet of snow but still. This is unacceptable. Of course, it's not really my friends' fault. It's just that they have normal work schedules and mine is all over the place. So they rarely coincide and enable us to get together.

Well, it is now 10pm on Friday night. It's time for me to retire for the night.