Lost Thoughts (aka The Lost Blog)

As some of you know, I'm notorious for not watching television. Oh, I watch movies constantly and I'll watch tv shows on dvd or Netflix. But as for keeping up with a show on a weekly basis? Hell no! I don't have the patience or the discipline to follow through with such a painstaking endeavor.

As some of you may also know, on May 23rd 2010 I went on a very special tirade about one particular show. The show in question is one that I absolutely refused to watch or take any interest in. When I heard how the series ended I mocked fans and friends alike for spending six years of their lives on a show that ended on a very trite, cliche note. Simply because, as many people who know me can testify, I sometimes rebel against things that are oppressively popular. As an example, you would be hard-pressed to find people who don't love the movie Forrest Gump. Meet the exception to that rule. From the moment I saw that film I despised it. But this blog isn't about Forrest Gump and I'm unwilling to waste any more of my time on that subject.

This blog is about the ABC Television series Lost.

Me being me, curiosity finally got the better of me. So over the past several months I watched the show in its entirety (it is available to stream from Netflix Instant Watch). I have to say, the first 2 seasons had me completely and utterly HOOKED. I won't go into plot details but I'm sure most of you know the gist; (a) plane crashes on mysterious island, (b) survivors desperately try to find a way off the island, (c) lots of weird shit happens. Seasons 3 and 4 were very good but not as stellar as the first two seasons. By season 5 my interest was starting to flag and by season six I just wanted to get the show over with and move on.

Don't get me wrong, it was still good. But the things I loved about the show in the beginning were missing. Lost had strayed so far from the things that originally hooked me and held my interest. It veered in such random ways. Obviously the writers were scrambling to stretch out the story line to keep filling up seasons worth of material. Personally I think the show should have been more concise and been maybe 3 seasons long. It would have been a much stronger show.

As for the ending? Did I hate it? No. Did I love it? No. It didn't end quite the same way people had explained it to me when it originally aired. It was definitely a better ending than that. It just seemed too...abrupt. After six VERY LONG seasons I was hoping for something more.

Overall, it was an enjoyable show. Does it deserve to be held in such high regard by legions of obsessive fans? No. Will I ever watch it again? Most likely not. I will say this though. After watching the finale last night, I awoke several times during the night and thought about it. That's something, I suppose. A show that resonates after the viewer has finished with it. That's the makings of good storytelling.

Babbling Bitch Session

I've been in my new home for about six months now. There have been a lot of changes in my life over that time period. I've had to learn how to clean, cook (still terribly unsuccessful at this one), micro-manage my money, etc. I've already been through one hellish roommate (I won't go into the sordid details of this fiasco since anyone who follows me on Twitter can see for themselves). Now I've got a potential second roommate lined up. I'm hoping she'll be better than the first one. If I were to play the odds, she most certainly has to be better than my previous one.

All of these changes, and others of a much more subtle nature. All of these changes...and yet, nothing feels different. I still feel as if I'm stuck in a rut. A dead-end job full of back-breaking manual labor that I will have to maintain until the day I literally drop dead, no real relationship prospects (that subject should be a whole blog unto itself), basically an almost completely sedentary life full of lonely nights in front of the television or computer.

I rarely go out. I work weekends when most others are out celebrating. My single day off is typically in the middle of the week. So, technically I could go out then but it would be by myself, as all my friends are in the midst of their normal work week.

And, speaking of friends, almost all of them live quite a distance away. So in order to visit them it requires planning ahead. I can't just visit them on a whim. The reverse is also true. This harkens back to my random work schedule. It's extremely hard to make plans ahead of time because I rarely know what my work schedule is going to be on a week to week basis.

Reading back through this blog, it seems as though my main problem, the thing holding me back from having an active social life, is my job. But I like my job. It's decent money. I like the people I work with (for the most part). I have medical benefits which is really important and something I'd like to hold onto.

And there you have it. My conundrum. The vicious cycle of my life. I'm done bitching. For now...

Carlton Mellick III

Today, kids, we're going to talk about the author who has changed my whole way of thinking in terms of how to write a story.

Carlton Mellick III is at the forefront of the Bizarro Fiction movement. For years he has written stories of the weird and, in my humble opinion, he continues to improve and mature as an author. I've devoured every single one of his books over the course of little more than a year. I have yet to find one that I didn't zip right through at breakneck speed. Many of them I've already revisited because they're just that goddamned good.

Let's pause for a minute so that I may explain exactly what Bizarro Fiction is.

Bizarro is "equivalent to the cult section at the video store". It is weirdness of plot as opposed to experimental fiction which is weirdness of style. Many Bizarro tales are written in a very simplistic style but the characters and situations are very weird. One can pick up on influences from filmmakers such as David Lynch and David Cronenberg. Bizarro Fiction often takes typical characters or situations and adds many absurd (often hilarious) elements to make it weird and original.

Mr. Mellick is also a very kind, approachable fellow. Through Twitter, Facebook, and Brian Keene's Forum, I've talked to him. If only to tell him I've read and enjoyed his latest releases. He's always gracious and humble when responding to my praise. I've also talked with fellow Bizarro authors Jeremy C. Shipp (who has recommended so many great movies) and Jordan Krall (who shares my love of H.P. Lovecraft and Spaghetti Westerns). All great guys.

I can't thank author and friend Brian Keene enough for introducing me to Mellick and Bizarro Fiction. Reading Bizarro has totally changed my personal taste in literature. I've found a nice little niche where I feel I belong. As if the stories were written for me.

Here's a list of books/novellas by Carlton Mellick III:

Satan Burger

Electric Jesus Corpse

Sunset With A Beard (Collection)

Razor Wire Pubic Hair

Teeth And Tongue Landscape

The Steel Breakfast Era

The Baby Jesus Butt Plug

Fishy-Fleshed

The Menstruating Mall

Ocean Of Lard (with Kevin L. Donihe)

Punk Land

Sex And Death In Television Town

Sea Of The Patchwork Cats

The Haunted Vagina

Cancer-Cute (Avant Punk Army Exclusive Collection)

War Slut

Sausagey Santa

Ugly Heaven, Beautiful Hell (with Jeffrey Thomas)

Adolf In Wonderland

Ultra Fuckers

Cybernetrix

The Egg Man

Apeshit

The Faggiest Vampire

The Cannibals Of Candyland

Warrior Wolf Women Of The Wasteland

The Kobold Wizard's Dildo Of Enlightenment +2

Zombies And Shit

Crab Town

The Morbidly Obese Ninja

Fantastic Orgy

Barbarian Beast Bitches Of The Badlands

I Knocked Up Satan's Daughter

Other notable Bizarro authors (in no particular order):

Gina Rinalli

Andre Duza

Jeremy C. Shipp

Jeff Burk

Jordan Krall

Cameron Pierce

Adam Pepper

Kevin L. Donihe

Anderson Prunty

John Edward Lawson

D. Harlan Wilson

Mykle Hansen

Andrew Goldfarb

Garrett Cook

I can't stress enough; if you're looking for something different, pick up some Carlton Mellick III books. If you like it, pick up some more. By this point you should be hooked. Then you can delve into some of these other fantastic authors I've listed above.

Uwe Boll-Cinematic Abortionist

Well, what can I say about Uwe Boll that hasn't already been said? He's a hack director of the highest (or lowest) caliber. An arrogant, self-involved ball of fury. His films, each and every one, are a grisly trainwreck not fit to be gazed upon by mortal eyes.

Oh wait, I guess I should backtrack a little bit and give you examples of some of Boll's films. Purely for those uninitiated. He's the master director/producer behind such masterworks of cinema as House Of The Dead, Alone In The Dark, Bloodrayne, Postal, In The Name Of The King: A Dungeon Siege Tale, among others. The majority of his fare is based on video games. Of course, he pays no attention to the actual plot of the video games themselves and instead veers way off course to create his own "vision".

He's been called the modern-day Ed Wood (director of Plan 9 From Outer Space--which is widely considered the WORST film of all time) by many. I, for one, think this assessment is accurate. His films are a jumbled mess. Sloppily filmed and edited. And the acting...oh boy, I won't even get into that.

I was watching House Of The Dead the other night on FEARnet and it is a godawful film. But, having seen several of his other films, "House" is his greatest achievement. When placed next to his other films it is a masterpiece. But that still doesn't mean it is good by any means. Why, oh why, are there snippets of the ACTUAL VIDEO GAME intercut between scenes? I know he was intentionally going for over-the-top fun but he failed miserably.

Not only are his films bad, but he's also got an uber-cocky attitude. He has called Michael Bay and Eli Roth "fucking retards". He also claimed that his film Postal (also based on a video game) would beat Indiana Jones And The Crystal Skull at the box office. I kid you not, as I just typed that I couldn't help but laugh out loud. What a ridiculous statement.

If this isn't enough, Boll is a boxer. In 2006 he challenged critics to "put up or shut up". Then he held an actual boxing event entitled "Raging Boll". Invited to challenge him were Quentin Tarantino and Roger Avery, among many others. Now granted, out of the five boxing matches that were actually held, Boll did win all of them.

Maybe he should have persued a boxing career instead of film...

It's Curtains For You!

After a long day at work I had planned to come home and relax by immersing myself in the world of online gaming via XBOX LIVE. Not long before I was due to clock out, my mother called and reminded me that we had tentatively planned to go curtain shopping for my new digs. Okay, so video games are out. An afternoon of fighting mobs of rowdy teens, slow moving old people (zombies), and rent-a-cops who think they're the real deal because they have walkie-talkies was in.

Of course, my mom also failed to mention that she had to stop at Costco first. Now, I'm all for cheap bargains but that place is full to the brim with the lowest walks of life. I don't know which is worse; Costco or WalMart. At least WalMart isn't usually packed so tight with customers that you can barely move.

Once finished at Costco, we headed for the Christiana Mall in the adjacent parking lot. As we drove toward the sprawling consumer metropolis, I said to my mom, "You know you're taking me straight into the lion's den right?" There is a brand-spanking new Barnes & Noble inside the mall that has the ability to draw me in like gnats to a light bulb. To avert this, we went directly in the J.C. Penney entrance. After spending some time browsing through the plethora of curtains contained therein, I found some I liked and we went about making the purchase. Of course, they didn't have one of the colors I wanted so I had to order them. They won't be in for 2-4 weeks.

That done, we proceeded into the main part of the mall so I could look for a hat. I found an awesome Transformers hat at F.Y.E. of all places. Stinking Hot Topic only had crappy hats. I remember when they used to be cool. Sad that those days are long gone.

At this point we were both hungry so we paid a visit to the food court. While we were eating my mom kept pointing out females to me. One in particular was obviously in the advanced stages of pregnancy. Though I will admit that she was a very attractive young lady, I can't say I'm ready to jump into a relationship with someone in that predicament.

Somehow, I managed to convince her to let me go to Barnes & Noble. While there I was disappointed by their serious lack of horror fiction. Not to mention the fact that it's all lumped into the "Fiction & Literature" section. Making it harder to find the books I'm looking for. I did manage to pick up Triage (Jack Ketchum, Richard Laymon, Edward Lee) and Dweller (Jeff Strand). When I'd finished making my purchases, my mother said, "She was flirting with you." She, of course, was referring to the young lady who completed my transaction. I, who some of you already know, am completely oblivious to girls flirting techniques. So I cannot comment or speculate on whether or not she was indeed flirting with me.

So instead of coming home to relax after work I got to spend the afternoon being auctioned off like a pig at the fair by my mom. Sadly, no one was buying.

Don't Call It A Comeback...

Well, it's been far too long since I've last blogged. Don't really have any excuse other than I'm lazy and tend to lose focus easily. So, in an effort to "step my game up" as the young kids say, I've come up with a plan to help me blog on a more frequent basis.

The plan is this: I will post AT LEAST one blog per week from now on. For every blog I post, I will reward myself with one blu ray, cd, or book. No blog, no reward. This will also help me to cut down on my spending on the above-mentioned items. One item per blog. As opposed to the amount that I typically buy which is a much more extravagant number.

This blog does not count toward my new plan. I feel that that would be a cheat to do so since this entry is merely explaining my intentions. So I'm going to give it a shot. Hopefully the rewards I've set for myself will be sufficient to entice me to post on a much more regular basis.

There will be another blog later today in which I explain my shopping excursion with my mother today. Until then, in the immortal words of Corp. Dwayne Hicks (Michael Biehn in ALIENS), "Stay frosty."

Sexame Street

Okay, I have no mind-blowing things to say today. So I leave you with this:

Unnecessary Censorship: Sesame Street - watch more funny videos